Blog Blog Blogging away

‘Be
who you want to be
Be who you are
Everyone’s a hero
Everyone’s a star

When you want to give up and your heart’s about to break
Remember that you’re perfect; God makes no mistakes ‘

~Bon
Jovi, Welcome to Wherever You Are

Everytime
I feel that I am losing, I just have to listen to that song and I’m alright
again. This particular song speaks to me in a special way. It expresses exactly
how I feel and reminds me of what I have accomplished so far.

A
few days back while I was biatching about not keeping up with my studies to my
friend, I found out something that made me feel even more depressed.

It
turns out, some of us already had a better advantage over the rest of us in the
cohort. When I first applied for this job, I was told and reminded that if I
had any biological science background ( tertiary or Uni level) then, I was not
eligible. Luckily, the closest I got to biology was in Secondary school.

However,
my friend recently told me that some of our classmates actually studied biology
at tertiary level and at an even more advanced knowledge than what we were
learning now! This was practically a walk through the park for them. My initial
reaction was disbelief then, followed by anger at the unjustness of it all
because I thought back on all the times we struggled to do our best but it was
not enough because apparently the bar had already been set higher.

After
thinking back on it, I realised that it was not such a big deal afterall. They
ARE expected to perform well since they had the advantage and, for me to get
what I got was already an accomplishment. 

As
another part of Bon Jovi’s song says :

‘This
is your life; you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here, right now
You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be ‘

Yes,
I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. I am settled and content where I am.

Another
reason why I identify with the song is because its lyrics really apply to what
I go through almost every week:

‘When
everybody’s in and you’re left out
And you feel you’re drowning in the shadow of a doubt
Everyone’s a miracle in their own way
Just listen to yourself, not what other people say ‘

I
do listen to myself though, sometimes there are people whose voices seem to be
louder. And its those voices that get heard, not mine.

‘When it’s seems you’re lost, alone and feeling down
Remember everybody’s different; just take a look around ‘

And
I smile to myself because what I had been saying earlier, though was not heard
fully, was exactly what they finally decide to do though it sounded like the
idea of the person who spoke the loudest.

A
long time ago, I have learnt to stop saying "and I told you so…."

People
who are loud, never want to listen to anyone but themselves. Any idea that
sounds ridiculous or implausible gets slammed down without consideration and I am made to feel like an idiot. In my
opinion, everyone gets a ‘fair trial’, the most ridiculous idea may turn out to
be the most probable solution<- I learnt this at JMP.

Whatever
happened to ‘thinking out of the box’?

Only my closest friends
would appreciate ideas that go against flow and they know that I could move
mountains with my mind if I wanted to. If they could see me now, they’d be
disappointed at how I’ve become such a conformist without soul. A plastic with
the credit limit.

I’ve decided, I will be who I am and enjoy myself.

It is when ….

you wake up feeling fresh,

When you smell the wonderful aroma of freshly brewed coffee,

When you enter the kitchen to find a bowl of cereals ready,

with a cup of coffee by the side,

When the weather finally let days of fury weep,

When you smell the start of heaven’s tears and

Hear the soft cries of relief from the sky

When sounds of soft rain is the backdrop for your meal

When your cat starts darting about the kitchen floor and

Your dog looks at you with lazy eyes as it slumps down on
its front paws

When is a perfect day?

When the sky is dark and gloomy

When you are seated before a roaring fire with

A hot cup of cocoa or coffee

When you are snuggled up to the one you love

When everyone you care about are with you

Sharing in the warmth of the roaring fire

When you know that there is nothing in the world that can
ever replace this memory

When you know that there is never going to be another day as perfect as
this.

Today is a day of mourning for me.

I just found out that one of my favourite authors had passed away.

David Gemmell
(1948 ~ 2006)

One of the greatest writer in fantasy fiction. He brought to life Druss the Legend, Skilgannon the Damned and many many others. He created heroes who were as real as any historical heroes and, villians who were villians at the mercy of their fate. His stories were heartfelt and always left me wondering if our warriors of today were as honourable as his characters. No doubt they were only fiction but, the characterization of each person in the story brought out personalities that were real and, issues of love, hate and regret were very much similar to what any real person has to deal with.

I will greatly miss this great author but I will never forget his stories.

David Gemmell will live on in the pages of his books and his stories will continue to be passed down through each generation, like all legendary heroes.

Sometimes we feel….happy
Sometimes we feel….sad
Sometimes we feel alone, lost and without

Life, didn’t think it’ll happen everyday
If you say it’ll never change then,
don’t breathe
don’t move
don’t change
Life is, like you and me
the same everyday

Sometimes we feel…happy
Sometimes we feel…sad
Sometimes we feel lost, alone and without

Love, it is not everlasting
Like wine, it ages and matures
Like smoke, it festers
and tears a hole through your lungs
Love is, between you and me
different everyday

Sometimes we feel…silly
Sometimes we feel…smart
Sometimes we fall, get up and move on

Pain, is what I feel everyday
the body, heart and soul
Heaven is not our relief
Hell is not your sanctuary
Pain is, for you and me
different everyday

Don’t think too much,
Don’t cry too much,
Don’t love too much,
Don’t live too much.
Don’t be…………

Life, love and pain is the same,
different and shared between you and me.

It started out hot, hot, HOT!

The heat is getting to my brains, frying all the cells(grey matter, white matter) etc.

I tried studying in school but ended up uploading songs into my IPOD for the whole duration that I was in the library with Michelle. Yes, it took me about 3 hours…….but I had my reasons!

The last time I loaded my IPOD was probably last year…… even then, I had not fully utilise the functions in the IPOD. TOday, I discovered the beauty of presetting the audio for each and every single song that I already had in my IPOD. Fascinating. How idotic.

If Joel was around he’d probably say, "Tsk, Tsk and you spent 3 years getting an Electronic Dip..Tsk"
Yes, I may be slow at times…..but hey, I figured out the school’s new photocopy machines in less than a coupla mins! That ought to count for something.

Right now, as I’m typing……I’m wondering if I am under utilising my notebook as well….hmm…

As you can already tell, some of the synapses in my brain are not sparking the right energy in my forebrain. I’m not ‘learning, memorising and understanding’ any work at all.

Today, marks the 4th week of the school term and I hardly touched my book though, I had graced the covers and some of the notes…… but again, nothing seems to be retained. It must be the darn weather!!

I hate July (no offense to those born in July) but I think this month is the hottest and longest month.

‘With great powers, comes great responsibilites’ so said by Ben Parker in Spiderman.
How I wish I had great powers.
Unfortunately, I’m only normal.
In all my school years, I have never needed to lead any group for any projects or for, anything for that matter. I was always content to stay behind the scenes, help the leader by ensuring coordination and keeping the team spirit alive. I was happy. Life was so much easier and less hectic.
Now that I’m studying again, I have been tasked to lead a group.
It is a very new role for me, being a leader. Some people might say that it’s no big deal for someone who’s born under the Leo star sign. However, I am not like most Leo. Sure I like drama sometimes, but that is only to keep my friends entertained when the moment gets dull. I hate attention. I have enough worries on my mind. I have enough to keep my ‘Stress’ level high.
Since last term, I have been a leader for a group of 6. It took me a whole semester to understand my members. Any decisions I made, I always tried to ensure that I have their best interests at heart. I have been commented on and criticised by a friend, who is also a member,about some of my habits as a leader and though I appreciated the feedback, it had hurt me alot when the person targeted my personality and made comparisons.
However, that was in the past. And I learnt alot from the past. I took the feedback constructively and thought it through for its feasibility for my members.

I have learnt and decided what kind of leader I wanted to be. I wanted to be the leader that listens, respects and appreciate every single member in the team. Everyone works as a team. When I gave instructions, they are followed. However, these instructions were not given for the sake of giving work but time and thought went into each direction that were given to each member of my team. I have spent days and night just ensuring that everyone had equal share of work of, equal intensity. These instructions were open to changes if anyone were opposed to it. I know, probably some of my members thinks that they could do a better job and, they probably could. I realised that being a leader not only lead the members but, also learn from them. I have learnt and realised something about myself through them. I always found myself explaining my decisions. Sometimes it has gotten to the point where it seemed I was always seeking approvalfrom them. Maybe I am, afterall I am still new at this and I never wanted to lead. I always have this fear of leading my members astray and it would be my fault for ruining their results.

So there I was minding my own business on the train to school last friday.

Then came the mad rush for seats at Cityhall interchange……disgusting!

As usual, I found myself standing by the handlebars in the middle of the train, right next to a dear old gentlemen who was holding on for his dear life even as he struggled to keep his travel bag from sliding about. His eyes searched desperately for an empty seat while ten others cast theirs down, settled comfortably in their own seats.

Disgusted, I glared at a young lady seated before me, she was dressed in a yellow tank top kind of tube with a black cardigan and had a little tote bag on her laps. When her eyes met mine, she quickly averted away and pretended to doze off……how idiotic! Everywhere I glared, eyes immediately turned away, ignoring the old gentleman beside me….all pretending to be lost in their own world. How ‘wonderful’ our society has become. It made me ashame to be a Singaporean at that very point.

Finally at Orchard, some people got off and I told the old gentleman to take the seat behind him that was empty. Gratefully he shuffled into the seat with his travel bag. Finding another empty seat, I took mine too. However, what really pissed me off at that point was the fact thast those very same people who had looked away or pretended to sleep suddenly came awake and were glaring back at me……like I had broken an unspoken rule. I know exactly what that rule was….it was being a gracious human being……something which all these imbeciles fail to comprehend and adapt into their meagre existence.They had the gall to try and outglare me because I showed them to be horrible human beings.

Really disgusting! TO be associated with these people as my countrymen is an affront to my principles of being human and a Singaporean. What happened to the Courtesy campaigns? Apparently it did not work at all. I thought, this National Day, I should take a picture of these imbeciles and send them in as ‘true Sinagporeans’….no glossy STB led editions, no ‘a million smiles’ coverups either.

Then, a miracle happened on my way home that same day. A young couple in the train, immediately gave up their seats to an elderly lady………such a simple action and this time, no one dared to glare at them because I was outrightly smiling at them. It was a wonderful thing. It made me realise that old saying about having a good apple for every bad seed. The world is a balance. For every disgusting event, there is always something beautiful that will redeem it. You just have to recognise it when it happens, then you’ll appreciate it. I did.